Spring Break
The Daily OrangeFaux pros inspect panties
By Matt Finley
Posted: 11/19/04, 1:50 AM EST Section: Pulp
From the desk of Phillip E. Schwartzwelder, CPI
As a certified panty inspector, I am shocked and enraged by the rash of panty inspector impersonators who want nothing more than to make a mockery of my job. Would you impersonate a fireman or a police officer? Would you turn an EMT's profession into a debased, sexually perverted charade?
I studied panty science at MIT for seven years and have been actively inspecting for more than 25. My job demands advanced knowledge of quantum mechanics and a working understanding of certain key algorithmic patterns and chemical equations. Even with the recent influx of exciting new panty technology, such as the panty bulb and the pantyfuge, it's going to be a long time before self-panty inspection becomes a financially viable scientific reality. Panties are fickle devices that, like nuclear power, are a boon to society that, when left to flourish unchecked, can cause disaster.
As such, by scaring off my business, you are putting your girlfriends, wives, sisters and mothers at risk. Without routine panty inspections performed by a professional, they could very well succumb to discomfort, chafing and more than 20 debilitating panty-related ailments, several of which can be deadly if not detected within the first several months.
In 1998, Wisconsin alone reported 60,000 diagnosed cases of panty rot. Syracuse itself fell victim to a massive pandemic of panty fever in 1982 that shut down the entire city, barring, of course, clinics and hospitals, for three days. According to projections made in 2002, an outbreak twice that size will occur some time in the next century which will have the capacity to strike over 50,000 pairs of panties citywide. Without a trusted and active panty-inspection program, hundreds will perish.
As interesting as it might be to emulate a practitioner working in such an exciting and challenging field, you are slowly destroying the respect of an age-old profession that is based in a deep respect and concern for the well-being of women everywhere. In addition, panty inspectors all have to eat, and many have families to support. If people lose trust in or begin to doubt the legitimacy of routine panty inspections, many of us will lose our jobs.
As a certified panty inspector, I am shocked and enraged by the rash of panty inspector impersonators who want nothing more than to make a mockery of my job. Would you impersonate a fireman or a police officer? Would you turn an EMT's profession into a debased, sexually perverted charade?
I studied panty science at MIT for seven years and have been actively inspecting for more than 25. My job demands advanced knowledge of quantum mechanics and a working understanding of certain key algorithmic patterns and chemical equations. Even with the recent influx of exciting new panty technology, such as the panty bulb and the pantyfuge, it's going to be a long time before self-panty inspection becomes a financially viable scientific reality. Panties are fickle devices that, like nuclear power, are a boon to society that, when left to flourish unchecked, can cause disaster.
As such, by scaring off my business, you are putting your girlfriends, wives, sisters and mothers at risk. Without routine panty inspections performed by a professional, they could very well succumb to discomfort, chafing and more than 20 debilitating panty-related ailments, several of which can be deadly if not detected within the first several months.
In 1998, Wisconsin alone reported 60,000 diagnosed cases of panty rot. Syracuse itself fell victim to a massive pandemic of panty fever in 1982 that shut down the entire city, barring, of course, clinics and hospitals, for three days. According to projections made in 2002, an outbreak twice that size will occur some time in the next century which will have the capacity to strike over 50,000 pairs of panties citywide. Without a trusted and active panty-inspection program, hundreds will perish.
As interesting as it might be to emulate a practitioner working in such an exciting and challenging field, you are slowly destroying the respect of an age-old profession that is based in a deep respect and concern for the well-being of women everywhere. In addition, panty inspectors all have to eat, and many have families to support. If people lose trust in or begin to doubt the legitimacy of routine panty inspections, many of us will lose our jobs.
