Spring Break
The Daily OrangeHoroscopes
By
Posted: 3/6/06, 12:45 AM EST Section: Pulp
This week, our unlicensed astrologers tell your horoscope based on which category you wish was presented at the Oscars.
Best Use of an Ice Pick
After finding a potential hookup at a party, you realize your legs are in need of an immediate shave. Luckily you have a willing friend, and the party hostess' bathroom has a nice new razor.
Best Crotch Shot
During a drinking game, you discover your hands are cold, so you stick them in your neighbor's crotch to warm them up. Only after this are you formally introduced.
Best Villain
After a great date, you spend time with your girl and her friends. Not only does one of them cock-block for three solid hours, she eats all your leftovers.
Best Use of Hair Product
You and your friends throwback to the '90s with a night of Scrabble and the Jonathan Taylor Thomas classic "Man of the House." Even though you're 21 and drunk, JTT's golden locks still make your heart throb.
The Billy Bob and Halle Berry Most Disgusting Sex Scene
The colors red-orange, magenta and aquamarine will be excellent for you this week. But beware fuchsia and periwinkle at all costs … you'll know why.
Best Stuntman
You run into the bathroom mid-hookup to vomit, and your guy occupies himself in the next stall by jerking off and shouting, "More, baby, more!"
Best Supporting Boobs
At a convenience store, a bystander watches you and takes notes about your activities. When you start to leave, he comes over, knocks on the window and holds up a picture of boobs. Nice ones.
Best (i.e. Most Fake) Plastic Surgery
I predict a kick-ass week for Laura. So be it.
Best Gay Sex Scene on a Mountain
You're drunken accomplishment for the weekend of posing for a picture while holding a cup in your teeth will be ruined when you soberly see that the cup is supported by a friend's hand instead of your molars.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Pluto's orbital pattern will inspire you to take a trip to Disney World, where, ironically, you will be beaten and robbed by a guy in a Pluto costume.
Best Use of an Ice Pick
After finding a potential hookup at a party, you realize your legs are in need of an immediate shave. Luckily you have a willing friend, and the party hostess' bathroom has a nice new razor.
Best Crotch Shot
During a drinking game, you discover your hands are cold, so you stick them in your neighbor's crotch to warm them up. Only after this are you formally introduced.
Best Villain
After a great date, you spend time with your girl and her friends. Not only does one of them cock-block for three solid hours, she eats all your leftovers.
Best Use of Hair Product
You and your friends throwback to the '90s with a night of Scrabble and the Jonathan Taylor Thomas classic "Man of the House." Even though you're 21 and drunk, JTT's golden locks still make your heart throb.
The Billy Bob and Halle Berry Most Disgusting Sex Scene
The colors red-orange, magenta and aquamarine will be excellent for you this week. But beware fuchsia and periwinkle at all costs … you'll know why.
Best Stuntman
You run into the bathroom mid-hookup to vomit, and your guy occupies himself in the next stall by jerking off and shouting, "More, baby, more!"
Best Supporting Boobs
At a convenience store, a bystander watches you and takes notes about your activities. When you start to leave, he comes over, knocks on the window and holds up a picture of boobs. Nice ones.
Best (i.e. Most Fake) Plastic Surgery
I predict a kick-ass week for Laura. So be it.
Best Gay Sex Scene on a Mountain
You're drunken accomplishment for the weekend of posing for a picture while holding a cup in your teeth will be ruined when you soberly see that the cup is supported by a friend's hand instead of your molars.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Pluto's orbital pattern will inspire you to take a trip to Disney World, where, ironically, you will be beaten and robbed by a guy in a Pluto costume.
