Spring Break
The Daily OrangeHoroscopes
By
Posted: 3/27/06, 12:34 AM EST Section: Pulp
This week our unlicensed astrologers tell your horoscope based on the rocker you would most like to see speaking at commencement.
Boy George
You will accompany a lady friend and her crew to the bar and will spend your first half hour being harassed by 40-year-old townies who hit on your girl and proceed to call you Eddie Murphy.
Kirk Franklin
Pop rocks and soda = harmless myth … Pop rocks and C4 plastic explosives = makes you explode.
Ozzy Osbourne
Wasted, you look for a place to crash in a friend's dorm room, and because of your high level of judgment, you settle on a nice, comfy cardboard box.
Michael Jackson
What happens on spring break stays on spring break. Especially when it involves you hooking up with a 37-year-old Brit.
Chuck D
You're not really into book burning … but drunken Bible burning on a friend's porch is another story.
M.C. Hammer
You will finally find the answer to all your frustrations with the female sex: late-night lap dances at Paradise Found.
Marilyn Manson
You will be attacked by a chicken in the near future. It may come in the form of animal or nugget, but either will be deadly.
Tupac
You will develop a sudden craving for Smirnoff Ice and walk 2 miles to the nearest open convenience store to quench your thirst.
David Lee Roth
A flirtatious female will offer to show you her piercings, and her boyfriend will counter by offering to show you HIS piercings … none of which appear to be on his face or ears.
Garth Brooks, or if he's unavailable, Chris Gaines
After a Saturday night of carousing, your neck looks like it was attacked by a leech. In reality, it was just your newest freshman hookup.
Phil Collins
At a casino visit, you won't win any cash. But you will plunder a pirate's chest to get free casino hats.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Mars may be the most underrated planet. I'm just saying …
Boy George
You will accompany a lady friend and her crew to the bar and will spend your first half hour being harassed by 40-year-old townies who hit on your girl and proceed to call you Eddie Murphy.
Kirk Franklin
Pop rocks and soda = harmless myth … Pop rocks and C4 plastic explosives = makes you explode.
Ozzy Osbourne
Wasted, you look for a place to crash in a friend's dorm room, and because of your high level of judgment, you settle on a nice, comfy cardboard box.
Michael Jackson
What happens on spring break stays on spring break. Especially when it involves you hooking up with a 37-year-old Brit.
Chuck D
You're not really into book burning … but drunken Bible burning on a friend's porch is another story.
M.C. Hammer
You will finally find the answer to all your frustrations with the female sex: late-night lap dances at Paradise Found.
Marilyn Manson
You will be attacked by a chicken in the near future. It may come in the form of animal or nugget, but either will be deadly.
Tupac
You will develop a sudden craving for Smirnoff Ice and walk 2 miles to the nearest open convenience store to quench your thirst.
David Lee Roth
A flirtatious female will offer to show you her piercings, and her boyfriend will counter by offering to show you HIS piercings … none of which appear to be on his face or ears.
Garth Brooks, or if he's unavailable, Chris Gaines
After a Saturday night of carousing, your neck looks like it was attacked by a leech. In reality, it was just your newest freshman hookup.
Phil Collins
At a casino visit, you won't win any cash. But you will plunder a pirate's chest to get free casino hats.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Mars may be the most underrated planet. I'm just saying …
