Spring Break
The Daily OrangeWordsmith repents by giving back, vandalizing SUVs
By Seamus O'Connor
Posted: 9/19/06, 10:27 PM EST Section: Feature
I haven't forgotten the children, either. I plan to lend my talents to local schools as a tutor in the three R's: Reading, Rmath and Ripping off convenience stores. I want the next generation to understand basic arithmetic principals: One stereo + five-finger discount = free party!
Another great idea of mine is to organize local children for a canned-food drive. The classroom bringing in the most cans over the next month will win absolutely nothing. This teaches the important lesson that life sucks, and now I have all your cans.
College kids need to be educated, too. I will take it upon myself to canvass the Quad, handing out my personally-made informational brochures. They cover a range of topics, including, "Why sex and especially birth control are for dirty sinners," "So you had a one night stand: how to prepare for eternity in Hell" and "Non-Christian religions: hilarious, but false." I can also offer free training for how to look busy when Jesus returns to earth. Free tip: that would not be a good time to "encourage" a smoker to quit.
So, fellow Syracusians, I hope my mission of peace and community improvement will lead you to open your arms and take me back. I promise to play nice from now on and keep everybody's feelings in mind. My columns will be so trite, bland and inoffensive, you'll swear you were reading The Student Voice.
Seamus O'Connor honestly and deeply respects all religions, lifestyles and people, except Hawaiians. Email him at sroconno@syr.edu.
Another great idea of mine is to organize local children for a canned-food drive. The classroom bringing in the most cans over the next month will win absolutely nothing. This teaches the important lesson that life sucks, and now I have all your cans.
College kids need to be educated, too. I will take it upon myself to canvass the Quad, handing out my personally-made informational brochures. They cover a range of topics, including, "Why sex and especially birth control are for dirty sinners," "So you had a one night stand: how to prepare for eternity in Hell" and "Non-Christian religions: hilarious, but false." I can also offer free training for how to look busy when Jesus returns to earth. Free tip: that would not be a good time to "encourage" a smoker to quit.
So, fellow Syracusians, I hope my mission of peace and community improvement will lead you to open your arms and take me back. I promise to play nice from now on and keep everybody's feelings in mind. My columns will be so trite, bland and inoffensive, you'll swear you were reading The Student Voice.
Seamus O'Connor honestly and deeply respects all religions, lifestyles and people, except Hawaiians. Email him at sroconno@syr.edu.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
crash1n4burn
Josh
posted 9/22/06 @ 1:21 AM EST
I get your point; however, I do not understand your beef against Hawaiians. It's as if you are echoing the 1993 Apology Bill passed by the U.S Government Senate. (Continued…)
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