Spring Break
The Daily OrangeWordsmith repents by giving back, vandalizing SUVs
By Seamus O'Connor
Posted: 9/19/06, 10:27 PM EST Section: Feature
Syracuse, I hear you loud and clear. Over the last week, you have called me "ignorant," "insensitive," "a jerk" and "most likely to end up in jail for cattle rustling." Wait, my high school class called me that.
I admit it, last week was a mistake. But this is a glorious new week. Our football team finally brought home a win, the weather looks nice (in Syracuse terms, the apocalypse would be "fair" conditions) and my column hasn't offended anybody yet, even those fat, ugly Hawaiians.
Damn, so close.
I want to make it up to you all, though. I have a plan to bring pride and community back to our campus the way Jessica Cutler brought honor to the practice of prostitution.
I thought I'd start with a little community service. In order to help out the less advantaged people around me, I'd like to assist the intrepid men who collect cans from the area every week. Thus, I will increase my Keystone intake 50 percent, up to roughly 800 beers per day. This should provide enough five-cent rebates to buy those guys a gold-plated space shuttle, assuming they accept nickels in exchange for those. Heck, I bet Bush would take it-he's easily distracted by shiny things.
Traffic safety is also a big concern of mine. To this end, I promise to personally tag every SUV on campus with a "CAUTION: Driver has no concern for common sense or the environment" sticker. For Hummers, I have designed a special label: "Warning: driver may not be able to see over his clearly enormous johnson/massive bags of money." With any luck, this will stop people from driving their planet-sodomizing death-wagons, and traffic accidents and pollution will decrease.
Speaking of air quality, smoking is a serious problem on this campus. I plan to organize a campaign to help smokers quit, which I call "Hit a smoker with a crowbar until they quit: 2006." Nothing is more important than getting people to appreciate their health, and my program is very economical. A pack of Nicorette gum every week costs more than $60. Getting pummeled within an inch of death? Free! You can thank me, as soon as they unwire your jaw.
I admit it, last week was a mistake. But this is a glorious new week. Our football team finally brought home a win, the weather looks nice (in Syracuse terms, the apocalypse would be "fair" conditions) and my column hasn't offended anybody yet, even those fat, ugly Hawaiians.
Damn, so close.
I want to make it up to you all, though. I have a plan to bring pride and community back to our campus the way Jessica Cutler brought honor to the practice of prostitution.
I thought I'd start with a little community service. In order to help out the less advantaged people around me, I'd like to assist the intrepid men who collect cans from the area every week. Thus, I will increase my Keystone intake 50 percent, up to roughly 800 beers per day. This should provide enough five-cent rebates to buy those guys a gold-plated space shuttle, assuming they accept nickels in exchange for those. Heck, I bet Bush would take it-he's easily distracted by shiny things.
Traffic safety is also a big concern of mine. To this end, I promise to personally tag every SUV on campus with a "CAUTION: Driver has no concern for common sense or the environment" sticker. For Hummers, I have designed a special label: "Warning: driver may not be able to see over his clearly enormous johnson/massive bags of money." With any luck, this will stop people from driving their planet-sodomizing death-wagons, and traffic accidents and pollution will decrease.
Speaking of air quality, smoking is a serious problem on this campus. I plan to organize a campaign to help smokers quit, which I call "Hit a smoker with a crowbar until they quit: 2006." Nothing is more important than getting people to appreciate their health, and my program is very economical. A pack of Nicorette gum every week costs more than $60. Getting pummeled within an inch of death? Free! You can thank me, as soon as they unwire your jaw.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
crash1n4burn
Josh
posted 9/22/06 @ 1:21 AM EST
I get your point; however, I do not understand your beef against Hawaiians. It's as if you are echoing the 1993 Apology Bill passed by the U.S Government Senate. (Continued…)
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